My Pics

My Pics
Baby with lazer beams

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


It all began with the putting of things in the mouth. Her fascination was trying to stuff as much of her blanket in her mouth then scream. Then she shifted to chewing on her blanket and her toys, and then she realized her tong was just as good. She always chews on it like she has a piece of gum in her mouth.

Once she nailed that down she moved on to the next thing that fascinated her. And that was blowing bubbles she would gather enough spit in her pudgy little cheeks so she can make bubbles and drool. She loved doing this for two weeks straight. She then seemed to get tired and bored with this and moved on to the next step in her fun games.

This involved other parts of her tiny little body. She started out with trying to shove she whole fist in her mouth, then decided it wasn’t really a wasted effort she just couldn’t seem to get her whole hand in there with out other fingers getting in the way of her mission. So she decided to try her feet, maybe she thought if she could fit that in her mouth she could use it to figure out what she was doing wrong with her hands. Well at this point she also got into the biting phase that lasted a whole 2 days after what happened. She stuck her foot in her mouth I am assuming to see how much she could fit in there and the then chose to bite maybe to see what would happen. Well as we all know, when we bite our self, we learn NEVER to do it again because it hurts. She learned never to bite herself again after that. But that didn’t stop her from continuing to put her feet in her mouth; she learned that sucking on her toes was better. She still continues with this piece of her fun but she has moved on to the next fun part of her learning games.

She started to experiment with her tong apparently chewing on it was just not as much fun as she first thought so she started sticking it out at different intervals and testing the distance to see how far she can make it go out her mouth; she had a blast with this for about 3 weeks then she got abruptly bored with this and decided to experiment with sounds she figured talking at indoor volume was just not enough so she started screaming. Testing the volumes and different sounds she can make from screaming. She like the sound she made with she got her tong involved in the mix.

Well she now has the power of volume she screams and yells to her beautiful little hearts content. She just recently discovered how to make a hissing sound while breathing in and out, I think she is trying to be scary…it almost sounds like the breathing of a killer in the movies. I have come to call it her evil speech. She seems to be extremely fascinated by the sound that comes out so she does this all the time. Occasionally she will let out a short scream followed by her scary breathing; it’s so funny because she makes this face of full concentration like she is trying to be scary. It is the funniest thing I have ever seen and heard.

I am so excited to see what her next fascination and accomplishment will be. I love being with my little girl as she discovers new things about herself and things that she realizes she can do.

The major accomplishments I have been able to see was her figuring out how to roll over on to her back and her utter excitement as she discovered how to roll back on to her tummy, then being able to stand and her ability to bounce up and down using the strength of her short little legs, then when she learned that she was in control of the volume of her voice, then the most recent major accomplishment was holding herself up on her hands and knees (though she did need help getting onto her hands and knees).

God I love being a mother!!

Friday, November 20, 2009


It’s the only time I ever felt like I scattered to peaces.

A jig-saw puzzle is designed for difficulty; they make you frustrated and often times it will even piss you off. Life is the only thing I can think of that plays the true role of a jig-saw and is possibly the greatest definition to the word. Life in itself comes in its pieces, what you do with those pieces helps you or destroys you.

Like the jig-saw the next piece you gab is always something you will never expect, all you can do is hope that it won’t be something that you will regret choosing. When you go through a devastating event in you life it’s as though you are almost done with that puzzle than someone comes along and pushes the puzzle to the floor scattering the pieces.

Granted life is more dangerous and difficult, exciting and spontaneously fun then a stupid puzzle but it still holds the same expression. You get angry when it is destroyed before you can finish.

When something happens to scatter your jig-saw of a life before you’re done, many things happen. You either choose to forgive and forget and go along as though nothing happened; you are dangerously devastated by the event that the complication of picking up the pieces of your puzzle of a life nearly comes to an end without ever seeing the final picture; or you aretrying to pick up the pieces that your puzzle of a life ends before the picture is complete. completely devastated that you cant handle the complication of even

We all know what we would like to say, how we want to handle the scattering of our lives but until in the event of devastation slams into your puzzle the outcome may or may not be different then you think.

I survived a devastating scatter of my life once, I don’t think I can survive another one like it but then again I am not sure how I managed to survive the first one. I don’t think I could survive but I have a feeling I would for the simple fact is that I am a fighter in ways that I sometimes truly hate. The problem is trying to find out whom to be angry with. When your puzzle scatters you get mad at the one you think could have prevented it, though if you think about it; the one who could have stopped it could be the one responsible for the scattering thus is why nothing was done to stop it. But then again the there is the one who scatters life puzzles just for the sake of doing it while trying to break those people and claim them before something can be done to save them. In that case, would both parties be to blame? One scatters to spite you and the other does nothing to prevent that. What is the outcome to get angry at both parties? The one who spites you does it for your reaction and uses it as encouragement to do it again while the other takes you anger with great stride and waits patiently for you to calm down so he can pick you up and hold you tight enough to keep you from falling into more pieces then you can handle.

My puzzle fell apart once but I was held together, have you ever been scattered? And even bigger, do you think you can survive if your puzzle is scattered again like it was the previous time? My answer: I truly don’t know.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Inteligence Level...

As we grow, we think to our selves “I will never be like that” “I will never talk like that” and “I will never act like that”

Then you know what happens, we have babies and do the exact things we said we wouldn’t: We are obsessive on levels only the mother and father can understand, we drop our intelligence to make sure we can communicate with them on a sophisticated baby level, and we act like they do.

If you don’t have children but plan on having them in the future, I will tell you now if you ever say you wont do this or that or be like this or that I guarantee you now you will beat yourself up in a mental hammer once you catch yourself doing to your baby.

Now here’s the kicker, why do we act like this to our babies?

Because as a parent you want to make sure you always see that beautiful smile on their face that completely disables you defenses.

The moment they give you that breath taking smile you are a sucker for life, your defenses have been disabled with no luck of restoring it. You want to do anything to keep it there.

And then when they give you that utterly heart breaking puppy dog look that makes your defenses spring up in an instant. You do anything you can to annihilate the thing that hurt them no matter what it is, you are the most dangerous thing known to man that even satin himself would be terrified of you.

Why do we talk to our babies like we too are no older then they are? And why do we act strange?

Because when you become a parent several things happen at once:

We are then given an excuse to act like complete retards and enjoy it; so when people see you acting like that to a baby they automatically dismiss the behavior. And probably the most important somewhere in the back of our sophisticated adult brains we actually do enjoy acting like idiots and deep down inside we love the lack of intelligence.

Over all here is a statement of absolute truth and I dare any parent to deny…Babies and children make adults behave in ways that so strange it’s amazing we are supposed to the smart ones.

Maybe they do this just so they can get the enjoyment of seeing those who think and believe they are superior act like complete dummies. And they laugh and think to themselves “And your supposed to be the smart one? Sure you are…”

Friday, October 16, 2009

My Design...

I can feel it like it’s the major part of who I am instead of just a fraction of me. There is certain music brings some parts of me to the surface more then the rest. I love the way it makes me feel when I listen to certain things, I cant help but react in such a way that connects me in strange ways to the part of me that belongs to that genre of music.

My background is many things ranging from European to North American. Just to list a few things that has a tendency to be more prominent when listening to particular music are Scot/Irish (i.e. The Viking) and the Native American (tribe unknown).

Every time I listen to any Scottish music I can t help but feel the Viking that’s buried deep inside me; she makes herself very known to me. And I have to admit this is the number one part of me that I love the most. The independency and strength of this woman is almost overwhelming. I feel like I am built and designed for that kind of life designed to be able take on the worst.

Every time I listen to Native American music I can feel the freedom burn in me like nothing I have ever felt. I can feel the strength of it, the wild love that just can’t be contained but that also requires the need for companionship of others. The full draw to the natural way things should be for a soul like mine. This is the other part of me that I love the most. I can’t help but imagine living the way things used to be before things got all F’ed up.

Before I got pregnant I made the choice to have my children all natural. When I got pregnant I stuck to that, and then when I had my little girl I followed through with my choice. I have no regrets in that decision; I am more then proud that I did it with out the assistants of full medical intervention.

My Husband told his co-workers that I had my daughter all natural, a female co-worker told him to tell me that she admired that I was able to do it and she called me a Viking Woman. When Chris told me this I felt a great sense of pride and strength. It made me feel really good that I am considered to be that kind of woman.

This makes me wonder if God did this to me deliberately to make me see this aspect of myself so I can be strong enough to endure what this world will do to me. I have suffered a great deal in my life and I am just now beginning to think that these to parts of me God intensified so I can handle the life he knew was coming for me. I barely survived the second worse thing that can happen to a person. And then the next 2 years after that suffered a range of pain that about 98% of people suffer in a life time. If you knew me in high school you know what I am talking about.

So what is this that I have now? More then just the two parts of me that have fought for my sanity these last 7½ years; I have aspects of me that help me keep the two crazy women inside me in check. I love my Viking Native self! She is the independence, strength and freedom I need to stay who I truly want to be.

Who do you have fighting for you?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Crazy is always fun

There are some things in this world that just make me wonder if they were ever real.
We as a society have put together so many stories about creatures that are intended to be imaginary, legend, or myth. But you got to ask yourself, where did these people get the ideas of these creatures? I mean seriously the descriptions of some of the creatures are so detailed and no matter who you hear it from the descriptions are all the same if not extremely similar.
I truly wonder if creature like Unicorns, Pegasus', Harpies’, Dragons, Trolls, Pixies/Fairies, etc. ever existed at one point in time. Otherwise how would they have made it to our stories today?
I think that MAYBE at point in time they were real.
People think they have seen the big foot yet not evidence of there existence has ever been found and documented.
Maybe like the big foot these mythical creatures just knew how to evade us humans knowing the ramifications of what would happen to them, so they were very smart about how to handle their dead to keep us from finding them. Now the unicorn has probably been found but because it looks like a lot like a horse we have probably just assumed its remains while the horn either decays’ or something supernatural happens to it.
Or better yet when these creatures die maybe something supernatural happens to their dead thus leaving no evidence of their existence behind. It may be the same for the big foot or Yeti or they could just be smarter then us and know how to hide themselves and their dead. This is why only hikers have seen them and everything about them is hard to prove.
Think about it, just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, right? I have never seen a million dollars, but that doesn’t mean it don’t exist.

I know I night be crazy but people like me are exactly what this world needs to keep it on the balance of fun.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

What would you do?

I never thought about how hard it would be to choose between the past and present.

Imagine if the one you loved vanished and you presumed that they died but it was hard to accept because the lack of proof. Then lets say so many years later after you have been able to rebuild a new life for yourself you have found a new love and have made a whole new life with them, then out of the blue that first love comes back rescued from the situation that made them vanish. Then they come to see you knowing that you have moved on for the most part, they know you still love them but they know that you had to let them go because you thought they were dead.

Would you fight the utter desire to want to take them back? To away with them? To be with them and pick up that love again. Or would you let go in a way but still go forward with the life that you built with out them?

I never gave much thought to something like this till after my husband and I watched a movie that had that situation presented. I thought to myself what would I do? I know I would feel the longing for the other man raging inside me and I will say that the temptation to go with him would probably be unfathomable, and then there would be the painful longing to stay with my family my husband and my beautiful daughter.

I know what I would want to say I would choose but I will never know for sure, the human body and emotions can do very unpredictable things even if some one says one thing but then confronted by that situation they end up doing the opposite.

So I have to leave this unanswered and say I don’t know what I would do. I know what I would want to do. All I have to say is I am very grateful to God that I will never have to be faced with that kind of choice.

Not even you can say for absolute certain what you would do in that situation. As humans we are ruled by our emotions in.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Heartbreaker Baby

The most beautiful sound I have ever heard sounded a few weeks ago and now every time I hear it I feel total bliss and any negative emotion that was going on at that moment just disappears.

My daughter lets out that beautiful sound that makes me forget that anything is bothering me. And I love to just sit and listen to her talk to whoever it is she sees. Then she will let out this roar of laughter that just melts my heart.

There are things that she does that may bug my like getting up at a ungodly time and stay awake just cause she wants too, but then she starts talking and weakens my irritation at that moment.

I always knew that love can do strange thing to human body, mind, emotions and strange as it may sound and be it even effects the soul. Love is the most powerful thing I my self have ever experienced. I have felt the intense power of love in its first then again when it brought me back to life but I never realized that it could go beyond that. Then it hit me with intensity beyond the power of the atom bomb, I looked into the eyes of my baby girl after she was born and I was completely disabled to the core. I knew from that moment I would do anything for her. Now I understand how and why other mothers feel when they look at their children and get that look of complete aww.