My Pics

My Pics
Baby with lazer beams

Friday, October 16, 2009

My Design...

I can feel it like it’s the major part of who I am instead of just a fraction of me. There is certain music brings some parts of me to the surface more then the rest. I love the way it makes me feel when I listen to certain things, I cant help but react in such a way that connects me in strange ways to the part of me that belongs to that genre of music.

My background is many things ranging from European to North American. Just to list a few things that has a tendency to be more prominent when listening to particular music are Scot/Irish (i.e. The Viking) and the Native American (tribe unknown).

Every time I listen to any Scottish music I can t help but feel the Viking that’s buried deep inside me; she makes herself very known to me. And I have to admit this is the number one part of me that I love the most. The independency and strength of this woman is almost overwhelming. I feel like I am built and designed for that kind of life designed to be able take on the worst.

Every time I listen to Native American music I can feel the freedom burn in me like nothing I have ever felt. I can feel the strength of it, the wild love that just can’t be contained but that also requires the need for companionship of others. The full draw to the natural way things should be for a soul like mine. This is the other part of me that I love the most. I can’t help but imagine living the way things used to be before things got all F’ed up.

Before I got pregnant I made the choice to have my children all natural. When I got pregnant I stuck to that, and then when I had my little girl I followed through with my choice. I have no regrets in that decision; I am more then proud that I did it with out the assistants of full medical intervention.

My Husband told his co-workers that I had my daughter all natural, a female co-worker told him to tell me that she admired that I was able to do it and she called me a Viking Woman. When Chris told me this I felt a great sense of pride and strength. It made me feel really good that I am considered to be that kind of woman.

This makes me wonder if God did this to me deliberately to make me see this aspect of myself so I can be strong enough to endure what this world will do to me. I have suffered a great deal in my life and I am just now beginning to think that these to parts of me God intensified so I can handle the life he knew was coming for me. I barely survived the second worse thing that can happen to a person. And then the next 2 years after that suffered a range of pain that about 98% of people suffer in a life time. If you knew me in high school you know what I am talking about.

So what is this that I have now? More then just the two parts of me that have fought for my sanity these last 7½ years; I have aspects of me that help me keep the two crazy women inside me in check. I love my Viking Native self! She is the independence, strength and freedom I need to stay who I truly want to be.

Who do you have fighting for you?


Holly Days Closet said...

You are becoming better everyday with your writing Keep up the good work.

I have my Viking women but so much of the time I feel her sliping away from me and i that sliping I lose part of my self the best part I think.