My Pics

My Pics
Baby with lazer beams

Sunday, February 12, 2012

My friends Wedding

Friday, April 29, 2011

Baby Time

Pregnancy. In some ways, it is the easiest and most beautiful things in this screwed up world. In another, it can be the most disastrous experience for a woman, circumstances considered. I think that only those who have a physical or genetic disorder that without the help of modern medicine, pregnancy and labor can unfortunately make them suffer greatly or even die.

Women in today’s world and only in places where modern medicine is offered are the most spoiled rotten people in the world. Woman demand so much from life, themselves, and men not just the physical part of men but in the last century we want their jobs as well and are now starting to treat them as if the only thing men are good for is breeding. This leads me to the statement I wish to share. Women have reached a point to where they believe everything they hear in regards to pregnancy and labor; Such as old wives tales of heartburn, how you carry your baby, along with many, many more.

Why do we even make up all this crap? Is it to make ourselves feel better?

I think that women have come to a point where they believe all the scary and painful stories about labor without taking into consideration that they are just stories.

I have three theories on this:

1 – Sure it is as painful and bad as women say… but that’s if you only focus on the contractions and the pain they are causing you, thus you will want whatever drug being offered to get rid of the pain.

2 – It could be about a 50/50 split but that is if you focus on the contractions and the pain it causes and also have your attention on the child you are about to bring into the world. Nevertheless, like most, the attention will inevitably be diverted to the pain and like theory one you will end up wanting drugs to alleviate the pain.

3 – If you focus ALL of your attention on the child you are about to give birth to, the notice of pain will be so far in the back of your brain that you wont have time to consider or even realize that pain is there.

I will admit, when I was pregnant with my first child I myself was sorta scared and even though I had been around women who had all their children natural, to them it was nothing to be even the slightest bit scared of. They all said, “It’s all about focus.” The part of me that was scared was the tiny part of my brain that wondered if what everyone was saying was true, that it really did hurt as bad as they say.

What helped me hold my ground that I could do it and that is wasn’t that bad were the few women I knew who said it was that bad. One story about a young woman in particular near my age named Missy, her mother Mary had told me and my mom about how Missy did when she had her first child. Mary had Missy focus on her breathing and the baby to distract her from the pain.

Mary had told me that by the time Missy was ready to push, Missy was really considering drugs, not because she was in pain but because she was getting physically tired and maybe thought they could help her out a bit. When she told her mom Mary told her that it was too late and it was time for her to start pushing. Shortly she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

Another thing that helped me was thinking about all of the strange things other people had told me that I found very funny. One thing that repeated in my head was something that a friend of a friend had said and was backed up by I think two others that had also had children.

They all said that when pushing “…it’s like taking a big shit…” in their words exactly. It made me laugh when they said that. And when I when I was pushing for Kaylin that thought for some strange reason started to resound in my head over and over that is nearly made me start laughing out loud. But the super focused part of my brain kept me from doing so making a mental note that it would most likely be inappropriate to do so. So all the while I am going hysterical in my head with laughter while every now and again would be interrupted but sheer and absolute awe that would come out so much that my mom would have to snap me out of it and get me to focus on task at hand, pushing.

After it was all done and Kaylin was here, while the nurses where cleaning her up and the dr doing her thing and fixing me up. I told my mom “That wasn’t that bad.” I apparently said that loud enough for the whole room to hear but only one nurse was paying attention. According to my husband the one nurse that was laying attention got a look on her face that said she wanted to slap me for saying that.

Now I really don’t understand why she made that face, so I am gonna go with the notion that I was the first person she has encountered and heard say that and believe it.

Giving birth is not as bad as women make it out to be. If you divert your attention to other things then you have not time to think about it hurting. On top of that you get the extra-added bonus of forgetting more when you hold and see your new baby for the first time after he or she is born.

So all in all, I personally don’t think that drugs are necessary or should even offered as an option unless in an emergency or absolutely necessary.

It’s all about focus! You “keep your eyes on the prize” so to say. If you keep your focus on the baby, jokes and/or silly things… you can do it. The saying “the only thing holding you back is yourself.” That statement is more true then people realize.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

April Showers

There has always been a part of me that has not been able to accept a certain time of the year, I have fought this whole time to let go but it just seems to make it worse somehow. So, how do I change the inevitable? How do I remove the pain that has scared? I don’t know the answer. I have tried to think of the different events that have also transpired at this time but my thoughts and pain force my heart to what I am attempting to avoid. I wonder at times if I will ever be able to get away from it. I have been able to accept and let go of the other parts but this one feels like it deliberately rubs my face in it, forcing itself on me.

How do I fix my past to change my future? I will behaving a baby soon and this tiny little person will be coming at the time that slows me down, the time I can’t seem to grasp, accept and let go. I do not want this child to be born with the weight of distraction and painful memories; I worry that I will not be able to stop it. This child does not need to suffer with me; I am tiered of this forced routine.

I am not looking for pity. That’s the last thing I want, I have accepted it these last years with fake grace so as to not hurt the feeling of those giving it. I am sorry.

I want to change my pain to rage, maybe that will help me fight the inevitable and change its path to go around me instead of at me.

When I was a little girl, I always knew that somehow that I was destined for something. That things were going to be different for me. Now I know that I have been standing in the middle of a minefield designed to cause me great pain. The closer the mine, the worse the damage; so I presume this is the way its meant to be, but now I wonder if God will teach me to be a bomb tech so I can disarm the ones that would certainly kill me or will he do it for me?

That certain time of the year is the massive scare that I can’t seem to get rid of. And yes, I want to get rid of it, I don’t want to be deliberately reminded anymore.

This is my scare and my pain. April is the only time I don’t want it to rain.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Generational Gap

How well do you relate to others of another generation? The gap between generations is painfully obvious. Those in there 20’s & 30’s seem to see themselves as the dominant that we are the ones in control, teens are therefore treated as though they know very little and have no right to interfere in the affairs of the rest of the world. The elderly are disposed of and treated as if they have absolutely nothing to offer. Then there are those in the ages between their 40’s to about their 60’s they are the ones who are in the controlling areas of our world, these people are seen as the wisest of us due to their position of leadership. Next, we have little children who are seen for our future; we feel the need to teach them to handle life the way we want them to. Then lastly, there are babies; born to a world that fears them because of their shear need for attention and need to be cared for; but because of their cuteness factor, they help sooth the fear into adoration.

Here is how I see and understand the generational differences and the similarities between two particular groups. People in there 20’s & 30’s are the most arrogant, self-centered, and irrational of us all. Why? Because we refuse to see the world the way it really is, the majority of us don’t bother with the troubles of those and things around us. We see things as “Its mine.” or “It will be mine.” We focus on our jobs, our selves, and most off money. We party, we play and most of us (married or not) weather you want to admit it or not don’t really take responsibility very seriously. Those in our 20’s & 30’s (mostly in our 20’s) seem to feel that the world owes us and that we deserve this and that. Now I myself am in my 20’s and I will admit that I am guilty of being arrogant, self-centered, & and irrational at times. Why, there are several reasons for the situation at that particular time.

As for the elderly or those we as a society consider the elderly. These are the people society holds little regard for because we feel they have nothing to offer to the community. This I see is a big mistake on our part; they do have something to contribute. They have our history they know the mistakes that were been made. We can learn so much from them. How things were dealt with back when they were young. I had the opportunity to listen to my mother in laws mother talk about how life was back when she was a young girl. Now I hope that I am not the only one but I find the many true stories you can hear and learn from these particular people that are supposedly useless.

Then there are the babies. The little fat cheeked, chubby legged people that gain our adoration the moment we look at them. These creatures are seen as the ultimate of innocence, why, because they cannot lie. They are the closest to perfection that people 20 and older spend some of all of their life trying to achieve. No matter who you are or what you believe we as a whole tend to agree that they are the closest to the creator of the universe, we strive to gain what they have, either through buying it, selling it, creating it or forcing it on others. Babies I think can see us as we really are, see our souls in a sense, that’s why when they are laughing and no one is in the room or stare off to the side as if they see someone or something. I believe that they do see someone, because they are the ultimate in innocence they see the angels that stand next to us. This is probably why they want to be in our arms when we are sad, that they truly do understand that something is wrong and that is their way to comfort us. Maybe.

We fear these tiny people for many reasons. They completely disable our personal defenses and they take over of our lives. People fear them for some of the reasons the amount of responsibility it takes and when they cry they cannot give them back.

This presents a peculiar phenomenon, many people generally want to have children when they are in their 20’s or 30’s, thus this age group creates their own contradiction of sorts.

For the following paragraphs, I have absolutely no intention to insult anyone so please forgive me if I do.

The three generations I have mentioned above are connected in a strange way. Those in their 20’s and 30’s love and want to have babies and the elderly love and want to have babies around, and babies want and love everything. Small children for the most part are ambivalent to babies and teens may love babies but don’t really want to have one. Adults in the 40’s to 60’s their babies are all grown up and having babies of their own and are probably on the fence when it comes to babies, they love them yes but its probably split to wanting (grand)babies.

The two groups that I think best complement each other are babies and the elderly. Why, because if you have ever seen how the elderly respond to babies and how babies respond back its like…they can read each others minds. From my view, it seems as though babies have the power to get an elderly person feel young again in a way. It’s almost as if a baby gains more life and shares it with the elderly, giving them a jolt of life. They too are just as helpless as the rest of us when a baby smiles and talks to you. Babies and the elderly share a few funny similarities such as they have a tendency to wobble when they walk, they both have walkers both with the sole purpose to help them to walk, and their memories on occasion are just as short lived or last a lifetime.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Of all creatures on this planet there is one among us all that is the most hostile to the rest and even to their own. We don’t think much of these creatures because they are pretty – beautiful even. But what separates them from the rest of their kind is simply this…….they are female.

In case you have not figured it out, I am speaking mostly of the Human females. All in all females of ALL species are the number 1 most vicious species in existence.

Why is this, you may ask. It’s just that; we are what we are. Females by nature are protective of what is theirs and what they feel belongs to them. You see this behavior in all the female species. But none other is more hostile, more conniving, more brutal, more vicious then us human women. Why? Because unlike the others, we will eat our own (figuratively speaking), we among all have more deadly motives to kill and destroy, regardless of how stupid the reason of our motivation.

If you disagree with me, think of this. Would a male degrade another in such a way that is more then humiliating? And do such a thing not only in private but also in a public place? Does a male have the deadly mother bear instinct when someone threatens his family? Would a male go to extreme measures to exact revenge because someone attacked him mentally or emotionally (regardless of the level of attack)?

The answer to these is: No, a male would not behave like this because it’s not in their nature to do so.

A woman would degrade another in a way that is beyond humiliating in private and in public. I theorize a female would do this in public more often because they get the satisfaction of an audience to the others shame. This I think creates a type of high for the aggressor female.

A female has the natural mother bear instinct (with or without children) to protect her family from any and all types of attack. I think you would be surprised at how strong a woman can be to a physical attack on what she feels belongs to her. And would go to such extremes as to gain all the damage to ensure the safety of the ones she is protecting, thus why mothers have in the past centuries and will continue in centuries to come die for their family.

A female would go to extreme measures to get revenge. And if you think about it, it will always include the act of humiliation.

If the female species were stronger then the male then we would be the ultimate predator. No bear, Lion wolf or the great white shark would be able to match our deadly abilities. Maybe that’s why God made us the weaker and men the brute…balance. They may have the physical strength but we have the ability to manipulate emotions. That is very scary in some ways.

The cruelest of us are those that know the power they have and use it for their gain.

Knowing this aren’t you glad woman don’t rule the world?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


It all began with the putting of things in the mouth. Her fascination was trying to stuff as much of her blanket in her mouth then scream. Then she shifted to chewing on her blanket and her toys, and then she realized her tong was just as good. She always chews on it like she has a piece of gum in her mouth.

Once she nailed that down she moved on to the next thing that fascinated her. And that was blowing bubbles she would gather enough spit in her pudgy little cheeks so she can make bubbles and drool. She loved doing this for two weeks straight. She then seemed to get tired and bored with this and moved on to the next step in her fun games.

This involved other parts of her tiny little body. She started out with trying to shove she whole fist in her mouth, then decided it wasn’t really a wasted effort she just couldn’t seem to get her whole hand in there with out other fingers getting in the way of her mission. So she decided to try her feet, maybe she thought if she could fit that in her mouth she could use it to figure out what she was doing wrong with her hands. Well at this point she also got into the biting phase that lasted a whole 2 days after what happened. She stuck her foot in her mouth I am assuming to see how much she could fit in there and the then chose to bite maybe to see what would happen. Well as we all know, when we bite our self, we learn NEVER to do it again because it hurts. She learned never to bite herself again after that. But that didn’t stop her from continuing to put her feet in her mouth; she learned that sucking on her toes was better. She still continues with this piece of her fun but she has moved on to the next fun part of her learning games.

She started to experiment with her tong apparently chewing on it was just not as much fun as she first thought so she started sticking it out at different intervals and testing the distance to see how far she can make it go out her mouth; she had a blast with this for about 3 weeks then she got abruptly bored with this and decided to experiment with sounds she figured talking at indoor volume was just not enough so she started screaming. Testing the volumes and different sounds she can make from screaming. She like the sound she made with she got her tong involved in the mix.

Well she now has the power of volume she screams and yells to her beautiful little hearts content. She just recently discovered how to make a hissing sound while breathing in and out, I think she is trying to be scary…it almost sounds like the breathing of a killer in the movies. I have come to call it her evil speech. She seems to be extremely fascinated by the sound that comes out so she does this all the time. Occasionally she will let out a short scream followed by her scary breathing; it’s so funny because she makes this face of full concentration like she is trying to be scary. It is the funniest thing I have ever seen and heard.

I am so excited to see what her next fascination and accomplishment will be. I love being with my little girl as she discovers new things about herself and things that she realizes she can do.

The major accomplishments I have been able to see was her figuring out how to roll over on to her back and her utter excitement as she discovered how to roll back on to her tummy, then being able to stand and her ability to bounce up and down using the strength of her short little legs, then when she learned that she was in control of the volume of her voice, then the most recent major accomplishment was holding herself up on her hands and knees (though she did need help getting onto her hands and knees).

God I love being a mother!!

Friday, November 20, 2009


It’s the only time I ever felt like I scattered to peaces.

A jig-saw puzzle is designed for difficulty; they make you frustrated and often times it will even piss you off. Life is the only thing I can think of that plays the true role of a jig-saw and is possibly the greatest definition to the word. Life in itself comes in its pieces, what you do with those pieces helps you or destroys you.

Like the jig-saw the next piece you gab is always something you will never expect, all you can do is hope that it won’t be something that you will regret choosing. When you go through a devastating event in you life it’s as though you are almost done with that puzzle than someone comes along and pushes the puzzle to the floor scattering the pieces.

Granted life is more dangerous and difficult, exciting and spontaneously fun then a stupid puzzle but it still holds the same expression. You get angry when it is destroyed before you can finish.

When something happens to scatter your jig-saw of a life before you’re done, many things happen. You either choose to forgive and forget and go along as though nothing happened; you are dangerously devastated by the event that the complication of picking up the pieces of your puzzle of a life nearly comes to an end without ever seeing the final picture; or you aretrying to pick up the pieces that your puzzle of a life ends before the picture is complete. completely devastated that you cant handle the complication of even

We all know what we would like to say, how we want to handle the scattering of our lives but until in the event of devastation slams into your puzzle the outcome may or may not be different then you think.

I survived a devastating scatter of my life once, I don’t think I can survive another one like it but then again I am not sure how I managed to survive the first one. I don’t think I could survive but I have a feeling I would for the simple fact is that I am a fighter in ways that I sometimes truly hate. The problem is trying to find out whom to be angry with. When your puzzle scatters you get mad at the one you think could have prevented it, though if you think about it; the one who could have stopped it could be the one responsible for the scattering thus is why nothing was done to stop it. But then again the there is the one who scatters life puzzles just for the sake of doing it while trying to break those people and claim them before something can be done to save them. In that case, would both parties be to blame? One scatters to spite you and the other does nothing to prevent that. What is the outcome to get angry at both parties? The one who spites you does it for your reaction and uses it as encouragement to do it again while the other takes you anger with great stride and waits patiently for you to calm down so he can pick you up and hold you tight enough to keep you from falling into more pieces then you can handle.

My puzzle fell apart once but I was held together, have you ever been scattered? And even bigger, do you think you can survive if your puzzle is scattered again like it was the previous time? My answer: I truly don’t know.