My Pics

My Pics
Baby with lazer beams

Saturday, September 11, 2010

April Showers

There has always been a part of me that has not been able to accept a certain time of the year, I have fought this whole time to let go but it just seems to make it worse somehow. So, how do I change the inevitable? How do I remove the pain that has scared? I don’t know the answer. I have tried to think of the different events that have also transpired at this time but my thoughts and pain force my heart to what I am attempting to avoid. I wonder at times if I will ever be able to get away from it. I have been able to accept and let go of the other parts but this one feels like it deliberately rubs my face in it, forcing itself on me.

How do I fix my past to change my future? I will behaving a baby soon and this tiny little person will be coming at the time that slows me down, the time I can’t seem to grasp, accept and let go. I do not want this child to be born with the weight of distraction and painful memories; I worry that I will not be able to stop it. This child does not need to suffer with me; I am tiered of this forced routine.

I am not looking for pity. That’s the last thing I want, I have accepted it these last years with fake grace so as to not hurt the feeling of those giving it. I am sorry.

I want to change my pain to rage, maybe that will help me fight the inevitable and change its path to go around me instead of at me.

When I was a little girl, I always knew that somehow that I was destined for something. That things were going to be different for me. Now I know that I have been standing in the middle of a minefield designed to cause me great pain. The closer the mine, the worse the damage; so I presume this is the way its meant to be, but now I wonder if God will teach me to be a bomb tech so I can disarm the ones that would certainly kill me or will he do it for me?

That certain time of the year is the massive scare that I can’t seem to get rid of. And yes, I want to get rid of it, I don’t want to be deliberately reminded anymore.

This is my scare and my pain. April is the only time I don’t want it to rain.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Generational Gap

How well do you relate to others of another generation? The gap between generations is painfully obvious. Those in there 20’s & 30’s seem to see themselves as the dominant that we are the ones in control, teens are therefore treated as though they know very little and have no right to interfere in the affairs of the rest of the world. The elderly are disposed of and treated as if they have absolutely nothing to offer. Then there are those in the ages between their 40’s to about their 60’s they are the ones who are in the controlling areas of our world, these people are seen as the wisest of us due to their position of leadership. Next, we have little children who are seen for our future; we feel the need to teach them to handle life the way we want them to. Then lastly, there are babies; born to a world that fears them because of their shear need for attention and need to be cared for; but because of their cuteness factor, they help sooth the fear into adoration.

Here is how I see and understand the generational differences and the similarities between two particular groups. People in there 20’s & 30’s are the most arrogant, self-centered, and irrational of us all. Why? Because we refuse to see the world the way it really is, the majority of us don’t bother with the troubles of those and things around us. We see things as “Its mine.” or “It will be mine.” We focus on our jobs, our selves, and most off money. We party, we play and most of us (married or not) weather you want to admit it or not don’t really take responsibility very seriously. Those in our 20’s & 30’s (mostly in our 20’s) seem to feel that the world owes us and that we deserve this and that. Now I myself am in my 20’s and I will admit that I am guilty of being arrogant, self-centered, & and irrational at times. Why, there are several reasons for the situation at that particular time.

As for the elderly or those we as a society consider the elderly. These are the people society holds little regard for because we feel they have nothing to offer to the community. This I see is a big mistake on our part; they do have something to contribute. They have our history they know the mistakes that were been made. We can learn so much from them. How things were dealt with back when they were young. I had the opportunity to listen to my mother in laws mother talk about how life was back when she was a young girl. Now I hope that I am not the only one but I find the many true stories you can hear and learn from these particular people that are supposedly useless.

Then there are the babies. The little fat cheeked, chubby legged people that gain our adoration the moment we look at them. These creatures are seen as the ultimate of innocence, why, because they cannot lie. They are the closest to perfection that people 20 and older spend some of all of their life trying to achieve. No matter who you are or what you believe we as a whole tend to agree that they are the closest to the creator of the universe, we strive to gain what they have, either through buying it, selling it, creating it or forcing it on others. Babies I think can see us as we really are, see our souls in a sense, that’s why when they are laughing and no one is in the room or stare off to the side as if they see someone or something. I believe that they do see someone, because they are the ultimate in innocence they see the angels that stand next to us. This is probably why they want to be in our arms when we are sad, that they truly do understand that something is wrong and that is their way to comfort us. Maybe.

We fear these tiny people for many reasons. They completely disable our personal defenses and they take over of our lives. People fear them for some of the reasons the amount of responsibility it takes and when they cry they cannot give them back.

This presents a peculiar phenomenon, many people generally want to have children when they are in their 20’s or 30’s, thus this age group creates their own contradiction of sorts.

For the following paragraphs, I have absolutely no intention to insult anyone so please forgive me if I do.

The three generations I have mentioned above are connected in a strange way. Those in their 20’s and 30’s love and want to have babies and the elderly love and want to have babies around, and babies want and love everything. Small children for the most part are ambivalent to babies and teens may love babies but don’t really want to have one. Adults in the 40’s to 60’s their babies are all grown up and having babies of their own and are probably on the fence when it comes to babies, they love them yes but its probably split to wanting (grand)babies.

The two groups that I think best complement each other are babies and the elderly. Why, because if you have ever seen how the elderly respond to babies and how babies respond back its like…they can read each others minds. From my view, it seems as though babies have the power to get an elderly person feel young again in a way. It’s almost as if a baby gains more life and shares it with the elderly, giving them a jolt of life. They too are just as helpless as the rest of us when a baby smiles and talks to you. Babies and the elderly share a few funny similarities such as they have a tendency to wobble when they walk, they both have walkers both with the sole purpose to help them to walk, and their memories on occasion are just as short lived or last a lifetime.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Of all creatures on this planet there is one among us all that is the most hostile to the rest and even to their own. We don’t think much of these creatures because they are pretty – beautiful even. But what separates them from the rest of their kind is simply this…….they are female.

In case you have not figured it out, I am speaking mostly of the Human females. All in all females of ALL species are the number 1 most vicious species in existence.

Why is this, you may ask. It’s just that; we are what we are. Females by nature are protective of what is theirs and what they feel belongs to them. You see this behavior in all the female species. But none other is more hostile, more conniving, more brutal, more vicious then us human women. Why? Because unlike the others, we will eat our own (figuratively speaking), we among all have more deadly motives to kill and destroy, regardless of how stupid the reason of our motivation.

If you disagree with me, think of this. Would a male degrade another in such a way that is more then humiliating? And do such a thing not only in private but also in a public place? Does a male have the deadly mother bear instinct when someone threatens his family? Would a male go to extreme measures to exact revenge because someone attacked him mentally or emotionally (regardless of the level of attack)?

The answer to these is: No, a male would not behave like this because it’s not in their nature to do so.

A woman would degrade another in a way that is beyond humiliating in private and in public. I theorize a female would do this in public more often because they get the satisfaction of an audience to the others shame. This I think creates a type of high for the aggressor female.

A female has the natural mother bear instinct (with or without children) to protect her family from any and all types of attack. I think you would be surprised at how strong a woman can be to a physical attack on what she feels belongs to her. And would go to such extremes as to gain all the damage to ensure the safety of the ones she is protecting, thus why mothers have in the past centuries and will continue in centuries to come die for their family.

A female would go to extreme measures to get revenge. And if you think about it, it will always include the act of humiliation.

If the female species were stronger then the male then we would be the ultimate predator. No bear, Lion wolf or the great white shark would be able to match our deadly abilities. Maybe that’s why God made us the weaker and men the brute…balance. They may have the physical strength but we have the ability to manipulate emotions. That is very scary in some ways.

The cruelest of us are those that know the power they have and use it for their gain.

Knowing this aren’t you glad woman don’t rule the world?