My Pics

My Pics
Baby with lazer beams

Saturday, September 11, 2010

April Showers

There has always been a part of me that has not been able to accept a certain time of the year, I have fought this whole time to let go but it just seems to make it worse somehow. So, how do I change the inevitable? How do I remove the pain that has scared? I don’t know the answer. I have tried to think of the different events that have also transpired at this time but my thoughts and pain force my heart to what I am attempting to avoid. I wonder at times if I will ever be able to get away from it. I have been able to accept and let go of the other parts but this one feels like it deliberately rubs my face in it, forcing itself on me.

How do I fix my past to change my future? I will behaving a baby soon and this tiny little person will be coming at the time that slows me down, the time I can’t seem to grasp, accept and let go. I do not want this child to be born with the weight of distraction and painful memories; I worry that I will not be able to stop it. This child does not need to suffer with me; I am tiered of this forced routine.

I am not looking for pity. That’s the last thing I want, I have accepted it these last years with fake grace so as to not hurt the feeling of those giving it. I am sorry.

I want to change my pain to rage, maybe that will help me fight the inevitable and change its path to go around me instead of at me.

When I was a little girl, I always knew that somehow that I was destined for something. That things were going to be different for me. Now I know that I have been standing in the middle of a minefield designed to cause me great pain. The closer the mine, the worse the damage; so I presume this is the way its meant to be, but now I wonder if God will teach me to be a bomb tech so I can disarm the ones that would certainly kill me or will he do it for me?

That certain time of the year is the massive scare that I can’t seem to get rid of. And yes, I want to get rid of it, I don’t want to be deliberately reminded anymore.

This is my scare and my pain. April is the only time I don’t want it to rain.