My Pics

My Pics
Baby with lazer beams

Saturday, September 11, 2010

April Showers

There has always been a part of me that has not been able to accept a certain time of the year, I have fought this whole time to let go but it just seems to make it worse somehow. So, how do I change the inevitable? How do I remove the pain that has scared? I don’t know the answer. I have tried to think of the different events that have also transpired at this time but my thoughts and pain force my heart to what I am attempting to avoid. I wonder at times if I will ever be able to get away from it. I have been able to accept and let go of the other parts but this one feels like it deliberately rubs my face in it, forcing itself on me.

How do I fix my past to change my future? I will behaving a baby soon and this tiny little person will be coming at the time that slows me down, the time I can’t seem to grasp, accept and let go. I do not want this child to be born with the weight of distraction and painful memories; I worry that I will not be able to stop it. This child does not need to suffer with me; I am tiered of this forced routine.

I am not looking for pity. That’s the last thing I want, I have accepted it these last years with fake grace so as to not hurt the feeling of those giving it. I am sorry.

I want to change my pain to rage, maybe that will help me fight the inevitable and change its path to go around me instead of at me.

When I was a little girl, I always knew that somehow that I was destined for something. That things were going to be different for me. Now I know that I have been standing in the middle of a minefield designed to cause me great pain. The closer the mine, the worse the damage; so I presume this is the way its meant to be, but now I wonder if God will teach me to be a bomb tech so I can disarm the ones that would certainly kill me or will he do it for me?

That certain time of the year is the massive scare that I can’t seem to get rid of. And yes, I want to get rid of it, I don’t want to be deliberately reminded anymore.

This is my scare and my pain. April is the only time I don’t want it to rain.


Holly Days Closet said...

My dear sweet child I know of the pain you are talking about. Maybe with this new child it is Gods way of telling you it's time to let go, remember the one you lost, cherish the little one I'm giving you at this time. Not to replace but to help with the letting go. She or He will be the gift to healing and moving on. To be able to find joy in April with this little one she/he will be the one to help you find it. She/He will bring you more joy than K does.